Sleep has been chaotic and fragmented lately
Often dreaming of not-so-positive people and things
People I haven't seen in years show up
almost just passersby in life
yet in dreams I'm still in conflict with them
As if the subconscious still cares deeply about their opinions
Always feeling the losses of the past, falling short of them, boundaries deliberately crossed, moments of disrespect
still wrestling with them
always wanting one day to prove to everyone
I deserve better, more recognition and respect
Tonight coming back from the mall
every cell protested for rest
Brushed teeth, turned on the AC, got in bed
Around 9 or 10
Just woke naturally
Before checking the phone I figured ~5 hours had passed
Estimated 3am
(hoping to sleep till morning)
Picked it up—only a few minutes past midnight
Jaw dropped
A long night, and I felt time was too much, too hard to fill
Because of weather and a forearm sprain not fully healed
Haven't exercised in ages
Stuck at home lying and sitting—overall entropy increasing
Slouchy posture, limp limbs
One day recently 24 hours indoors, steps almost 0
Mostly resting isn't necessarily good
You get more wasted the more you lie, can't focus or think
Feel awful, no drive, can't concentrate
Even moving or doing chores feels hard
My body needs walking and moving
to spark vitality and creativity
Took B vitamins hoping to fix low energy
seemed to do nothing
And sleep and post-wake state
are nowhere near as comfortable and secure as years ago in Xiamen
Body feels a bit out of control
Sleep doesn't bring that old comfort and pleasure
Suspect schedule and diet both
Finally picking up the habit from Xiamen days
of cooking for myself often
Ordered a new wok and fridge online
Scouted semi-prepped dishes at nearby Yonghui
First replace delivery and sketchy hole-in-the-wall spots
Healthy meals affect face and body a lot
In Xiamen I gained weight and face/body balanced out
Back in Guangdong, family and environment
killed the cooking habit
Now I see cooking as a sense of control over life
a small resistance against the mainstream "everything must be efficient" narrative
a ritual that returns me to my individual world and ordinary everyday warmth
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Sleep has been chaotic and fragmented lately
From X · @therealfreddyx
Thoughts
mew～
Sleep has been chaotic and fragmented lately
Often dreaming of not-so-positive people and things
People I haven't seen in years show up
almost just passersby in life
yet in dreams I'm still in conflict with them
As if the subconscious still cares deeply about their opinions
Always feeling the losses of the past, falling short of them, boundaries deliberately crossed, moments of disrespect
still wrestling with them
always wanting one day to prove to everyone
I deserve better, more recognition and respect
Tonight coming back from the mall
every cell protested for rest
Brushed teeth, turned on the AC, got in bed
Around 9 or 10
Just woke naturally
Before checking the phone I figured ~5 hours had passed
Estimated 3am
(hoping to sleep till morning)
Picked it up—only a few minutes past midnight
Jaw dropped
A long night, and I felt time was too much, too hard to fill
Because of weather and a forearm sprain not fully healed
Haven't exercised in ages
Stuck at home lying and sitting—overall entropy increasing
Slouchy posture, limp limbs
One day recently 24 hours indoors, steps almost 0
Mostly resting isn't necessarily good
You get more wasted the more you lie, can't focus or think
Feel awful, no drive, can't concentrate
Even moving or doing chores feels hard
My body needs walking and moving
to spark vitality and creativity
Took B vitamins hoping to fix low energy
seemed to do nothing
And sleep and post-wake state
are nowhere near as comfortable and secure as years ago in Xiamen
Body feels a bit out of control
Sleep doesn't bring that old comfort and pleasure
Suspect schedule and diet both
Finally picking up the habit from Xiamen days
of cooking for myself often
Ordered a new wok and fridge online
Scouted semi-prepped dishes at nearby Yonghui
First replace delivery and sketchy hole-in-the-wall spots
Healthy meals affect face and body a lot
In Xiamen I gained weight and face/body balanced out
Back in Guangdong, family and environment
killed the cooking habit
Now I see cooking as a sense of control over life
a small resistance against the mainstream "everything must be efficient" narrative
a ritual that returns me to my individual world and ordinary everyday warmth
Often dreaming of not-so-positive people and things
People I haven't seen in years show up
almost just passersby in life
yet in dreams I'm still in conflict with them
As if the subconscious still cares deeply about their opinions
Always feeling the losses of the past, falling short of them, boundaries deliberately crossed, moments of disrespect
still wrestling with them
always wanting one day to prove to everyone
I deserve better, more recognition and respect
Tonight coming back from the mall
every cell protested for rest
Brushed teeth, turned on the AC, got in bed
Around 9 or 10
Just woke naturally
Before checking the phone I figured ~5 hours had passed
Estimated 3am
(hoping to sleep till morning)
Picked it up—only a few minutes past midnight
Jaw dropped
A long night, and I felt time was too much, too hard to fill
Because of weather and a forearm sprain not fully healed
Haven't exercised in ages
Stuck at home lying and sitting—overall entropy increasing
Slouchy posture, limp limbs
One day recently 24 hours indoors, steps almost 0
Mostly resting isn't necessarily good
You get more wasted the more you lie, can't focus or think
Feel awful, no drive, can't concentrate
Even moving or doing chores feels hard
My body needs walking and moving
to spark vitality and creativity
Took B vitamins hoping to fix low energy
seemed to do nothing
And sleep and post-wake state
are nowhere near as comfortable and secure as years ago in Xiamen
Body feels a bit out of control
Sleep doesn't bring that old comfort and pleasure
Suspect schedule and diet both
Finally picking up the habit from Xiamen days
of cooking for myself often
Ordered a new wok and fridge online
Scouted semi-prepped dishes at nearby Yonghui
First replace delivery and sketchy hole-in-the-wall spots
Healthy meals affect face and body a lot
In Xiamen I gained weight and face/body balanced out
Back in Guangdong, family and environment
killed the cooking habit
Now I see cooking as a sense of control over life
a small resistance against the mainstream "everything must be efficient" narrative
a ritual that returns me to my individual world and ordinary everyday warmth